Chris Brown totaled his Porsche. Apparently the GPS lady was talking back to him.

For Valentine's Day I'm going all out. Champagne, a candle lit dinner, & a truly memorable night of passion... I even washed my wank sock!

For Valentine's Day I'm going all out. Champagne, a candle lit dinner, & a truly memorable night of passion... I even washed my wank sock!

For Valentine's Day I'm going all out. Champagne, a candle lit dinner, & a truly memorable night of passion... I even washed my wank sock!

For Valentine's Day I'm going all out. Champagne, a candle lit dinner, & a truly memorable night of passion... I even washed my wank sock!

It's Valentine's Day. Don't worry about getting me what you got me last year. I have enough restraining orders already.

It's Valentine's Day. Don't worry about getting me what you got me last year. I have enough restraining orders already.

Q: What do fat chicks get for Valentine's Day? A: Depressed.

Q: What do fat chicks get for Valentine's Day? A: Depressed.

A Valentine's Day Poem: "Roses are red, That much is true. But violets are purple, Not fucking blue!"

A Valentine's Day Poem: "Roses are red, That much is true. But violets are purple, Not fucking blue!"

I was trying to figure out roughly how long it would take to watch a season of 24. In the end I just called it a day.

If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse, would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

So a king rules a kingdom and an emperor rules an empire. Who rules a country?

I just read a disgusting book filled with pedophilia, rape, incest, violence, domestic abuse, and murder. It's called "The Bible".

Why is Fantasmic playing on Carrie Underwood's dress?! #Grammys

I'm like a god to my kids. They've never met me and they're not sure I really exist.

This $22 cocktail tastes like I'm dumb.

I almost forgot to check in at the gym on Foursquare. What a waste of a workout that would've been!!

I just discovered a cure for social awkwardness. Hint: It's vodka.

I put my phone on airplane mode and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever!! (via Karen)

If its wrong to cook yourself a steak dinner at 4:15am, I don't want to be right!

I want a man that makes my dick hard, not my life.

I miss the days when making a duck face required two Pringles.

I've been hard at work all day. Luckily, none of the kids in my class noticed.

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat...stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." But apparently Saturdays do!

Every time I watch porn I end up thinking, "There's no fucking way that horse is 18!!"

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

Just randomly remembered "Romper Room" for some reason... How'd that bitch always see me in my house anyway?!?! ;-)

I'm never quite sure what the technique is best to use when I'm having a wank, so I use a Bop-It to give me commands.

Ray Lewis killed the power. Allegedly.

So the winners of the Super Bowl still have to live in Baltimore? Sounds like they lost to me...

Hey Ray Lewis, what's better? Winning the Super Bowl or getting away with murder?

NFL: No Fucking Lights

Stevie Wonder is lucky he didn't have to see that commercial!

Q: What do you call a pedophile in a ridiculous pointy hat? A: Your Holiness.

Ok Dodge, I know we all want a farmer in us, but do you have to involve god?! #terriblecommercial

Plans For Later Tonight: 1) Get Drunk. 2) Eat Jack in the Box's Hot Mess.

What a coincidence!!! I too have blacked out in New Orleans!

If god wanted us to believe in him, he'd exist.

I just took a hot shower. It's like a regular shower, but with me in it.

I know that's definitely not my ringtone, but I'm going to have to check my phone anyway.

Fellatio: A taste of things to cum.

I'm not saying I'm Batman. I'm just saying nobody has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.