If my balls come out on the lottery tonight, my career as a TV presenter will be in ruins!

I live my life by 3 simple mottos: 1) "You only live once", 2) "Better safe than sorry", & 3) "Never contradict yourself".

I did a comedy gig at an S&M club once, but it was a terrible crowd. Everyone preferred their own gags!

Creeeeeepy!!

Creeeeepy!!

Creeeepy!!

Do people with one eye use emoticons like .-) and ,-D?

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose.

These can't be real!!

These can't be real!!

When u flush a toilet in Australia, the water goes the opposite way of toilets in America. That must make such a mess!!

If life gives u lemons, make lemonade. If life gives u melons, ur dyslexic...or you've got a future in the porn industry!

Q: What did the chemist say when some iron accidentally reacted with potassium hydroxide? A: OH FeK!

New pick-up line: "I wanna make love to you in the worst way: standing up in a hammock!"

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

Reports say downloading pirated films costs millions of $$ a year. What sites are these people using?! It's free for me!

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

My Chinese friend & his wife r having an ultrasound 2day. They can't wait 2 see what they r having, a boy or an abortion!

Just watched a car commercial. If 'horsepower' is so damn special, why don't we still use horses?! Hay is cheaper than gas!!

Apparently, "I had an itchy prostate" isn't enough to save your job...

I was racking my brain earlier... I couldn't remember the guy's name who used to date Rihanna. Then it hit me.

Just hanging out at home...

...enjoying some Gnarly Head!

Project Amicus http://projectamicus.com?ref=114998 (Please sign up with my referral link) It's like Grindr, but for everyone! :-)

Q: Where do the funniest prostitutes work? A: In a BROFL!

I bought a box of tampons today, but I still can't horseback ride, swim, or rollerblade any easier!

This new AT&T nightclub is horrible! There's not one bar in the whole place!!

Me & my bf were banging away & screwing for over an hour last night. Damn you IKEA! 20 minutes assembly time my ass!!

Dead baby jokes piss people off at abortion clinics. Why are dead baby jokes bad but actually making dead babies is ok?!

Ladies, hate the pain of childbirth? Remember to say YES next time ur husband asks for anal! It's less painful overall!

Three reasons to stand up: 1) To get the remote. 2) To go to the bathroom. 3) Because you're the real Slim Shady.

Nothing says "I'm a pedophile" quite like 'liking' everyone's childhood photos on Facebook.

Did you hear the one about the travel agent who got sick at the airport? They say it's terminal.

Well...getting a new toilet seat was the highlight of *MY* fucking day! How was yours?! :-/

Frozen pizza, margaritas, Diet Pepsi, cookie dough, and tin roof sundae. My life is so sad...

Getting a guy to sleep with me is like getting ketchup out of the bottle. It's much easier if I have a knife!

I hate housework! You make the bed and wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again!!

Men are like homework problems. Give them the once over, and only do them if they're easy.

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

They say you are what you eat. That's odd, because I don't remember eating any sexy beasts recently...

I got forced to have sex by a man dressed as a tiger the other day. It was grrrrrrrrrape!

"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother." -Charles Pierce

Have you ever thought about fucking your own grandpa? Well...you are now!! You're welcome!

I won't be getting involved in any fundraising for the famine victims of East Africa. I got enough on my plate as it is!

I haven't seen any spiders outside the house in days. What the fuck are they planning?!

I understand why people drink!

Sometimes I pretend I'm having a fight w/ my own hand. It's pretty immature & stupid...but the make-up sex is fantastic!

My favorite Humor Hotline of all time! Dial 781-452-0843 for The Psychiatric Hotline.

Cookies and milk. THEN soup. THEN scope. I need to sleep.

Cookies and milk. THEN soup. THEN scope. I need to sleep.

Roommate just saw Harry potter. Apparently he lives AND dies "like Jesus". He might be fucking with me. Maybe. But I'm drunk so who knows.

There's a fine fine line

Shouldn't the room stop spinning when thelight is offs?

Drunk at home what a loser

Life sucks. Alone

If Emma Watson doesn't show her tits in this one, they better take 10 points away from Gryffindor!

Fantastic! My cats have learned how to unravel the roll of toilet paper!! :-/

Have you heard the one about the joke with no punchline?

I wonder what's worse: Being ginger in the desert of black in Texas?

So Ted Danson is taking over for Lawrence Fishburne on "CSI", huh? Does that mean he'll be doing blackface again?

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

New Pick-Up Line: "You must be from Ireland, because when I see you, my penis is Dublin!"

Always try to get out of jury duty. You don't want your boss finding out that they do just fine without you!

To spice up our sex life, my boyfriend and I tried medieval roleplay. I Camelot!

I'd like to think that today, 7/11, is National Slurpee Day! If not, it should be!!

Lumberjacks give me wood.

I met a Rastafarian today. His hair was dreadful!

If porn actresses are so good at what they do, why does the guy always have to finish with his hand?!

Man/woman promiscuity double standard explained: A lock opened by many keys=faulty. A key that opens many locks=master!

It's been a really busy week! I've been experimenting with recreational drugs from A to Z. Finally, I'm up to Speed!

Q: How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 5,6,7,8!

I scraped my forehead on the bottom of the pool last night and now it stings... :-(

Fighting with my boyfriend is like filling a water gun. You just hold it underwater until the bubbles stop.

If you're gay, never kiss a newborn. You don't want to know where it's been!

I love coaching kids at tennis. It's easy to take advantage.

Statistically, nein out of ten Germans are attractive.

"Slut" is such a strong word. "Vagina Sharer" sounds so much nicer.

If I were a schizophrenic drag queen, I'd name myself Jacqueline Hyde!

Things that do not mix: oil & water, church & state, watching porn while wearing earphones... Darn roommate!!

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On a hunch, after watching Transformers 3, I have decided to squat on the Twitter name @Trans4mers. Your move, @ParamountPics! :-P

On a hunch, after watching Transformers 3, I have decided to copyright the word "Trans4mers". Your move, Paramount!

Q: Why did the Mexican cross the road? A: To take the chicken's job too!

Happy Independence Day, America!! (Now let's just work on domestic oppression!)

On a hunch, after watching Transformers 3, I have decided to copyright the word "Trans4mers". Your move, Paramount!

I hate already being on the toilet when there's no toilet paper. It's hard times like these when I turn to the good book.

I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have the best knock-knock jokes!

Dark Chocolate Romance & Green Lights

My ego is nearly as big as my massive penis.

Beyoncé will be attending Wimbledon today. She'll be watching all the ladies' singles, all the ladies' singles.

I hate this time of day! Halfway between never drinking again and noon.

I won't be telling racist jokes anymore because my new best friend is black. He stole my joke book.

Rebecca Black just had a b-day. This year she is 14, last year she was 13, next year she is 15, & 16 comes after that.

The HTC Evo 3D?? 3D?!?!?! Shut the front door!! A 3D phone?! Fucking AWESOME!!!