If you masturbate in the next 5 minutes, we'll be doing it together. Just something to think about...

I wrote a joke about unemployment earlier, but I didn't post it. It still needs work.

"Excuse me, sir. Would you like some upsexy?" "What's upsexy?" "Nothing much, and yourself?"

I hate One Direction Fans. I need my whole room to cool down, but this fucking thing only points one way!

I don't watch Downton Abbey but I have a feeling some shite happened. (via Jeremy Williams)

If Anne Hathaway doesn't say "Anne hath away" when she leaves a room or "Anne hath arrived" when she walks into one, what a waste!

Confidence, self respect, humility, my cock, patience, honesty, and loyalty are some of the qualities I want in a man.

Never trust people who smile before 9am!

I got an email chain letter telling me that every time I masturbate, god kills a puppy. How ironic! Every time I kill a puppy, I masturbate!

A church with a lightning rod shows a decided lack of confidence.

Valentine's Day is coming... It's not too late to break up!

If I had humility, I'd be perfect!

Check out my new matchmaking service for lonely people on their deathbeds. It's called Expiration Dates. (via an RT by @MauiLUVSJohnny)

My doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

I could never cheat in a relationship because that would require TWO people to find me attractive!

I never polish my mirror, which reflects badly on me.

Opinions are like a dick. It's not fun having one unless it's crammed down someone else's throat!

One bear. That's the bear minimum.

Q: What do you call a mouse with no balls? A: Optical

If there's enough room to spell "BOOTYLICIOUS" on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

That's the last time I go out drinking with an optimist! Every time I finished a round, his glass was still half full!

I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the LAST time I buy store-brand toilet paper!

Some people turn to god...I turn to vodka. I don't see any difference. My life is still being guided by a spirit!

First god made man. Then he had a good idea: Bacon! Then he thought, "Shit! I need to make something to cook it!"

My Kindle just finished reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" to me. It was like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking!

That does it! The next person who questions my masculinity is gonna get a face-full of piping hot lavender tea!

Did You Know: Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

Working on a new film about an unhappy homosexual woman. It's called Miserable Les.

I had a dream last night that I killed all those guys with 'swag' and their duckface girlfriends. I called it the Yolocaust.

Just saw the final Dora episode! She explored a windowless van.

Commercials lie. I've never been at a party & some dude...shares 12 Taco Bell tacos & the hot girls eat them. Never. (via @markjakejohnson)

My friend just asked me what my favorite mythical creature was. I said, "Those happy women in Tampax commercials."

In the U.K., the TV show is actually called "Who Wants £999,990?" The camera adds the extra ten pounds.

I like my men like I like my weekend: Filled with booze and gone by Monday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator... I just never got around to it.

Everything is a sexual innuendo if you think long and hard about it.

My boyfriend hates it when I sneak up on him. According to his lawyer, he also hates it when I call him my boyfriend.

Church logic: It is morally wrong and forbidden to be gay...unless it's with ten-year-olds.

"Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "God." "God who?" ...

Q) What do you call somebody who enters the middle class and promptly leaves it? A) An In-n-Out Burgher (via @ice9tre as his present!)

Q) Who decides what is surreal? A) Yes. (via @ice9tre - I told him that for his birthday, he could write today's jokes! Funny, right?)

It's now officially Trevor's birthday! Happy Birthday Trevor! ILYSM! NYGTFM!! ;-) @ice9tre

My boyfriend and I are very close to some amazing sex right now! It's on the other side of this hotel room wall...

Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy. I hope she names him Choo Choo!

I would unfriend you, but I enjoy laughing at your life.

I've been using the same gag to get men into bed for five years now. I really should get a new one...this one's got blood on it.

If I was a bird, I know who I'd shit on.

I always thought guys were playing 'hard to get'. Turns out I'm a rapist.

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up for a gym in January.

My penis pump stopped working. He says his arm hurts.

65% of Canadians are excited to once again allow a hockey team to determine their happiness!

With all these protests going on in India over the gang tape death, who's manning the phones?!

So how DO you solve a problem like Maria??

Have you heard about the new Exorcist film that's in production? They get the demon to take the priest out of the child!

Arguing w/ a Christian is like playing chess w/ a pigeon. They'll knock over all the pieces, shit on the board, & strut around triumphantly.

I like my men like I like my hangovers: Gone by the time I wake up!

My friend said, "Ya know, 12/12/12 will only happen once in a lifetime!" Yeah, EVERY date only happens once, moron! That's how time works.

I think ugly people only have kids to prove that someone will have sex with them.

I hate when I'm having a great day and then someone speaks to me.

I just had sex even though I had a headache. Hear that, ladies?! No one died!! (You're welcome, straight guys!)

A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50!

Did you know I can tell the gender of someone just by the size of their penis?

I'm really worried about the bird flu. I saw a pigeon in my backyard today... I think it was a carrier.

RIP 2012 (2012-2012)

Can anyone recommend a good wine that complements forced anal?

Yes, auld acquaintance probably *should* be forgot.

Drunk drunk so drunk woo hooooooo

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE LAS VEGAS STRIP, BABY!!