I realized I was god when I was praying and noticed that I was talking to myself...

My friend just can't decide what religion to follow. He keeps saying he's Jew-"ish".

Trevor & Nala (@ice9tre & @littlenalakitty) dance to ABBA's Mamma Mia! http://youtu.be/-vRTWwHCaa0

Whoever invented knock knock jokes deserves a nobell prize.

I asked my boyfriend if he's seen my dildo. He denied it at first but I dragged it out of him eventually.

My tough trash collector doesn't take any shit from anyone. So I had to carry it back inside...

Right now somebody, somewhere is thinking about you naked!

I'm incredibly talented! I have the ability to talk AND piss you off at the same time!!

Nothing beats a good blowjob to end the night...but I better brush my teeth again before bed!

The iPhone 5 is designed to fit your hand...just where your money used to be!

A pregnant work colleague asked if I want to feel her baby... It seems that she meant externally!

I don't have a problem with idiots... I have a problem with the fact that they have an internet connection.

If you think you're having a bad day, just picture a T-Rex trying to masturbate.

All these iPhone 5 jokes are only a slight improvement over the iPhone 4S jokes.

The Catholic church isn't really against gay sex...just *consensual* gay sex!

According to the bible, all mankind descended from 1 man & 1 woman who had 2 sons. Think about that. Take all the time you need...

I watched most of the Paralympics. It had its ups, but there was also a hell of a lot of Down's.

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

My toilet paper says it's 100% recycled. So does that mean someone has already wiped their butt with this?!?!

I went to a testicular cancer survivor party last night. Everyone had a ball!

Scandal at the Paralympics as some of the Team Great Britain wheelchair basketball team test positive for WD-40!

We live in a world where losing your iPhone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

Fuck: ❒ You ❒ Me ✔ Off

Slut: A prostitute that doesn't charge. Prostitute: A clever slut.

My stupid shrink told me I had Avoidant Personality Disorder, so I stopped seeing her.

My boyfriend thinks getting married will put the spark back into our sex lives. I think breaking up would work better!

You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

I finally watched "The Artist" tonight. I thought it was wonderful!

Did you know that watching just 1 hour of the Paralympics counts as one portion of your five-a-day?

"Thank you for your sweepstakes entry. Click here to tell your friends!" Uuuuh Hell no! I don't want to lower my chance of winning!!

When I die, I want my tombstone to say "BRB"!

Isn't it ironic that all the things you want to do in heaven are the exact same things that would get you sent to hell?

If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself!

I've often wondered if the Chinese really did go pee-pee in my Coke...

You know you're fucked when your Mewtwo faints.

U R 2 6 C! I 1 2 4 Q!

It's a shame some people out there can't separate facts from FOX.

Toilet faces: >_< o_- o_0 O_O ^_^

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in!

I just love those 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.

New shorthand: "LMAOSHIFOTTAASALOTF" means "laughing my ass off so hard I fell off the toilet and accidentally shit a little on the floor".

Why is the winner of Miss Universe always from Earth? Seems rigged...

Q: What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

If you friend request me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a Transformer.

Apparently it's Suicide Awareness Day. Wasn't sure what that entails, so I've just been looking up when walking past tall buildings.

If god had intended us to go metric, why did he give Jesus twelve disciples?

I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

If I ever have a son I'll name him Sparta so every time I'm introducing him to someone I can shout "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status. After 5 it should default to "Unstable".

Ghetto Wet Floor Sign: "Caution, Bitches Be Trippin"

Who invented hugs? That 1st one must've been so awkward. It's like, "What are u doing?! Why are you holding me?!" "Shhh...just trust me."

"Twinkle, twinkle, little whore. You're cheaper than the dollar store!"

I'm not talking about Facebook! I want to know how to block you in real life!

I wonder if Asian kids push their eyes together and say "Rook at me! I'm Amelican."

My friend is currently eating for two and has put on a lot of weight recently. She's not pregnant. She's just schizophrenic.

The new politically correct term for a lesbian is "vagetarian".

BBQ tip: the two secrets to great burgers are a) blocking out the horrific inhumane conditions in which beef cows are kept and b) sea salt!

I just heard a guy at the beach yelling "Help, shark!!!" I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him!

God's a man! He got Mary pregnant, never answered her prayers, left her a kid to raise & then wanted him back once he got famous.

It's fair to say that if god really made everything, he was probably from China.

I may look innocent, but in my head you're handcuffed to my bed...

What if the Mayan calendar actually ends in 5105 but we have just been reading it upside down this whole time?