Did it hurt when you fell from the top of the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?

On a scale of 1 to Rebecca Black, how pumped are you that it's Friday?

You're probably naked under all those clothes. Slut!

Humor Hotlines: Call 917-475-0058 for a Sobriety Test!

It's gonna be a relaxing day. I'm auditioning for American Idle.

Woah! Demo screen of this video poker machine just showed 5 deuces and a pay for it! Hmmmm

My boyfriend is leaving me because of my addiction to Twitter! #fuckyouasshole

Overheard at lunch: "You look like a Golden Nugget girl, not a Fremont girl." #FlirtFail

Becoming a vegetarian is a missedsteak!

It's surprisingly (and refreshingly) smoke-free here tonight!

My boyfriend just told me he found another pubic hair in the bath. That's the 3rd one he's grown in the last few days!

Last night I ate Middle Eastern food and this morning I falafel.

What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! When do we want it? CUNT!

Just finished re-reading "Peter Pan". That book never gets old.

The 1st Commandment says "I am Lord God. You will have no other gods before me." 2 of the deadly sins are vanity & envy. Fucking hypocrite!

I was driving when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said 'Heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.

I just finished a book about the digestive system. It had a really shitty ending!

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Headline: "Woman found guilty of manslaughter." Wow, chuckling like a dude...that just ain't right!!

The basis 4 denying this LEGAL contract is gender. If 1 were a diff gender, it'd be ok. Since when is gender discrimination legal here?!

The problem is that the LAW uses the word 'marriage' to describe a legal contract. THAT'S the 'marriage' we want, not your church one!

If it's the WORD 'marriage' that bothers you, you can have it! Just as long as whatever the LAW calls it is the same for EVERYONE EQUALLY!!

Using your religious beliefs to deny me LEGAL, CIVIL equality is the violation! How would my marriage affect you??

Marriage equality does NOT violate your freedom of religion or expression. You can still practice and express the same way after I'm equal.

Having an abnormally large penis has been a burden throughout my life. I just never seem to fit in...

My friend told me I'm obsessed with movie quotes. After that it went quiet... A little TOO quiet.

I drink, I gamble, and I take drugs. That's why I beat women. What's a Muslim's excuse?

It was great breaking up with my blonde ex. I managed to get him to split everything straight down the middle: 80/20.

I just discovered my dog has a latex allergy. God only knows how I'm going to explain that to the vet...

Kurt Cobain died just one month after Justin Bieber was born... It's as if he knew!!

Don't justify hate, just defy hate! #NOH8 #MarriageEquality

A mosquito just landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life!!

You remind me of my Chinese friend: Ug Lee!

I've got something as long as ur thigh w/ over 120 muscles in it, & it's an anagram of PENSI. Wanna touch it? It's my spine...filthy minds!

Fav elements: Men-Si (obviously), Women-Au, Pt, & if they know their place, Fe! (If any women out there get it, pls don't use As on me!)

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to hell. But it's okay -- it's warm and I'll know people there!

Atheists are beyond belief!

Q: How is a spider like Whitney Houston? A: They're both black and they can't climb out of a tub.

Them: "No rights 4 gays!" Me: "That's #bigotry." Them: "Stop bullying us!" Woah idiots! Learn what that means. You're NOT the victims here!

Q: What do Celine Dion songs and bad locksmiths have in common? A: Terrible key changes.

GRR I hate the Facebook iPhone app almost as much as @TGHAndrea and her #bigot family and little #biglets. It's SOOO slow!!!

I just got the new Olympics game for my Wii. I was trying to play the cycling event, but it crashed!

I got banned from Barnes & Noble today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' aisle!

Just ran into an old high school friend 17 years after her graduation at a grocery store 6 hours from my house! :-)

#TheGlassHouse Finale: EPIC!! Damn you, non-disclosure agreement!! Am I allowed to say I was there?! :-/

A couple of weeks ago I knew nothing about the Olympics, but now I can't wait for next year's!

There's still time 2 keep the #bigot Andrea from winning #TheGlassHouse! Please go 2 http://abc.com/glasshouse & vote 4 Erica (or Kevin)!

On my way to the taping of the finale of #TheGlassHouse!! I'm so excited! :-D

Lance Armstrong uses drugs? What a load of bullock!

Reasons for Andrea @TGHAndrea to win #TheGlassHouse: None! DO NOT REWARD BIGOTRY! Vote for Erica or Kevin at http://abc.com/glasshouse

Reasons for Kevin @TGHKevin to win #TheGlassHouse: He's GORGEOUS! Vote for him or Erica @TGHErica at http://abc.com/glasshouse

Reasons for Erica @TGHErica to win #TheGlassHouse: She's funny, real, and deserves it! Vote for her at http://abc.com/glasshouse

Reasons for Erica @TGHErica to win #TheGlassHouse: She's funny, real, and deserves it! Vote for her at http://abc.con/glasshouse

Ugh! Are there term limits on Sheriff?!

It was good to see France help run the field events of the Olympics...by sitting down and waving a white flag!

So Usain Bolt is still the fastest man in the world. Good for him. For his girlfriend, not so much!

Did you hear the one about the travel agent who got sick at the airport? They say it's terminal.

Most people don't like constipation. I personally don't give a shit!

I was at my poker game last night when I found out I lost my dad. Damn it! I KNEW I should've folded that hand!!

I feel sorry for all those children in Heaven. Just think of all the Catholic priests up there!!

My boyfriend treats me like a god! He takes very little notice of my existence until he wants something...

"Jesus loves you." A kind gesture in church...a horrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison!

iPhone autocorrect just changed "GPS" to "God". Totally changed the meaning of "GPS says 10 more minutes!" LOL

Check out my YouTube videos, including the 2 game shows I was on: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Greece needs more medals or they won't be able to afford to fly their athletes home!!

Did you hear the one about the Jew who was charged with rape? The evidence is circumsizetantial.

I'm jealous of the Big Brother contestants. They don't have to watch the Olympics!

"Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity?" Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

The head of the Somali Olympic team has apologized to officials after realizing that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

That shooting in Wisconsin was pretty horrible. I'm sure there are going to be plenty of Sikh jokes.

I'm at IKEA. They're out of Blörgensporgs. What a shame.

These gold medals are like busses: Wrapped around cyclists.

Rowing is very much like sex with my boyfriend. I'm only interested in it once every 4 years.

Even if you don't watch #TheGlassHouse, PLEASE go to http://abc.com/glasshouse and vote Erica back from limbo. PLEASE RT!!

To be able to shoplift, you need to have very strong arms!

#AdamSmith shouldn't b fired 4 something outside of work the same way teachers shouldn't b fired 4 posing 4 Playboy when they were younger!

The basis 4 denying this LEGAL contract is gender. If 1 were a diff gender, it'd be ok. Since when is gender discrimination legal here?!

The problem is that the LAW uses the word 'marriage' to describe a legal contract. THAT'S the 'marriage' we want, not your church one!

If it's the WORD 'marriage' that bothers you, you can have it! Just as long as the LAW calls it something else...for EVERYONE...EQUALLY!!

Using your religious beliefs to deny me LEGAL, CIVIL equality is the violation! How would my marriage affect you??

Marriage equality does NOT violate your freedom of religion or expression. You can still practice and express the same way after I'm equal.

I had a wank over my ex last night. It's ok though... I still have a key to his place and he's a really heavy sleeper!

So Instagram is the annoying hipster version of otherwise normal photographs, right??

If the British equestrian team taught us 1 thing, it's that all u need 2 win an Olympic medal dedication. Oh yes, & 4 daddy 2 buy u a horse.

If God were a vehicle, he'd be an ice cream truck. It brings joy 2 those that find it, & ppl who follow it closely are usually pedophiles.

They say that when you die you become closer to God. (That's probably because you no longer fucking exist!)

(Oh yeah...and they'll be 99% stolen so feel free to steal 'em from me!)

Rule #1 for following me: My jokes will likely offend you. You've been warned. So no complaining! That'll just get you made fun of.

Hey y'all! The jokes are coming back! And what better day to start than tomorrow so I can offend religious folks on the sabbath?! Such fun!

2day would've been my mom's 65th b-day if pancreatic cancer didn't take her so soon. I love u & miss u so much, mom! I think of u every day!

Check out my YouTube videos, including the 2 game shows I was on: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Today would've been my grandma's birthday. I love you and miss you, grandma.