8====D~~~ (_._)

People treat New Years like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

Omg I'm so drunk I can't feel my teeth

It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Shhh...don't tell anyone. :-)

Got shuffled out of the @phvegas Diamond Lounge for a super secret meet-and-greet. Shhhhhh... ;-)

"Hillary Clinton has a concussion?! Did she fall off the fiscal cliff??" -@ice9tre

I just bought a Bonnie Tyler GPS. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

Every hotel room has 1 Bible & hundreds of millions of dead dried sperm. Pretty gross, thinking about all those Bibles. (via @TheTweetOfGod)

My alcohol blood content is waaaaay too high!!

"Tell Matthew I will call him in half an hour at 4 o'clock." - John 3:30

Q: What's the best form of protection when you can't find a condom? A: A fake name.

I'm going to the Reverse Origami Championships today. I can't wait to see how it unfolds.

I told my bf I wanted him to fuck me like there's no tomorrow when he gets back from his Christmas trip. That was Dec 20th. Shit! Now what?!

The British version of Breaking Bad is boring. It ends after he gets cancer & all his treatment is paid for by the nat'l healthcare system.

I just noticed that the calendar on my desk finishes on the 31st of December. Here we fucking go again!!

I heard there's this new cereal, Lesbi-O's. Apparently they're so good, you'll want to eat the box. (via @TheCosmicJester)

The liquor store clerk just wished me a Happy New Year as if he weren't going to see me 5 more times before then!

I don't know why everyone's worried about being being able to buy guns. We've sold dynamite to coyotes for years!

There are 363 days until Christmas & people already have their fucking Christmas lights up. Unbelievable!!

I hate it when I'm drunk and somebody tries to correct my vodkabulary.

My New Years Resolution: Stop doing everything so damn early!

I bought Heather Mills a new prosthetic leg for Christmas. Its' not her main gift though...it's just a stocking stuffer.

"Christmas is for fucking children!" as Michael Jackson used to say.

Q: What do orphans get at Christmas? A: Lonely.

I could totally do Santa's job! I have loads of experience emptying my sack into old socks.

The difference between god and Santa is once in a great while Santa actually gives you what you want.

Merry Christmas! :-D

Finally my Christmas shopping is complete. Now, what to get everybody else...?

I'm really turned on by Santa... Does that make me a hohosexual?

My advent calendar just crashed. I had too many windows open.

If you want Santa to come sooner tonight...try tickling his balls. Naughty AND nice!! ;-)

Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... VERY naughty! And it was SOOOO worth it!

Only 847 more iPhone charges 'til Christmas!

Sometimes being an insomniac isn't that bad. 0 sleeps until Christmas!

Darn! I was really hoping Armageddon Day would be like Steven King's "The Stand" & all the evil ppl end up in Vegas. I'm SOOO down!

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe the Mayans just said, "Fuck it! We have enough for now. Let's finish in a thousand years!"?

I don't wanna brag, but this is like the 10th #EndOfTheWorld I've survived!

The world didn't end... I was up all night and it was a close one, but I managed to save you all. You're welcome!

Uuuuuh...so yeah... We're all still here. We just gonna do the Gregorian Calendar thing from now on?!

For the world being over, there's a lot of people out today!!

Well, it's 12/21/12 here now. Nice knowing you, everyone!

It's almost time! Tomorrow is the day when all the religious folks are taken away, leaving the rest of us in...well...heaven!

Hey, so what time is this thing tomorrow? And not in Heaven Standard Time! I'm in Mountain. I need to plan my day around it.

A sadist is just a masochist with self-esteem.

Humor Hotlines: End of the World Advice Hotline 631-403-2013

"Well, I never!!" = Old person's "WTF"

A ghost could be humping your leg right now and you'd have no idea!

This new thesaurus isn't just terrible...it's terrible!

"Mary, you're pregnant?! That's wonderful! And I'm not the dad...because god is?! That's awesome!!"

Ever noticed that the church doesn't give a fuck about gay funerals?

FYS

Hey #AmericanIdol: It's not a "2 Night Premiere"... It's "2 Episodes"!

My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

Dude!! It's 12:15 and 12 seconds on 12/15/12!! Woah!! LOL

PPPS Since we're all dying in less than a week anyway, I'll just take cash. Use ur valuable remaining time w/ family instead of shopping!

PPS I'd prefer cash or gifts to jokes, just so you know! ;-)

PS I'll probably steal them! ;-)

It's my birthday. You should tell ME the jokes today!

One of the toddlers in the intensive care unit is playing with a toy donkey. ICU baby, shakin' that ass.

"You should post that on Google Plus!" -Nobody

When my friend lost his job and started drinking, his wife was hit the hardest.

I have >110 #eBay listings (with 5 adult ones ending in <6hrs)! Visit http://mikeyp.us/eBay & sort by time. *Accepting offers on EVERYTHING*

Google will be 15 next year. Let's plan a search party!

I was shocked to hear local Muslims have been praying on young girls. Why don't they just use mats like normal Muslims?

Michael Jackson has been dead for a while & it's still hard to cope with the realization that we'll never know if Annie was okay or not!

My boyfriend & I have a new arrangement. I can sleep w/ anyone I want, but he doesn't speak to me or live w/ me anymore.

I went to the funeral of a headless chicken. It was incredibly moving.

Q: What's the easiest way to turn on a tv? A: Reach under the skirt and tickle his balls!

Is it just me, or are there any other personal pronouns?

Q: Why do bishops move diagonally? A: It's the best way to sneak up behind an altar boy!

Religion: Turning prophets into profits for over 4,000 years!

I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in my mom's stuff. I can't believe it! She was a superhero!!! :-D

AVG is free, McAfee isn't.

Aren't we all supposed to be dead in a couple weeks, or is that cancelled?

The key to a good relationship is an adventurous sex life...just don't let your significant other find out about it!

To all the guys who have "swag", please remember two things: 1) Good for you, and 2) I don't like onions on my Big Mac.

My Muslim friend updated his Facebook status to "Mohammed (Peace be upon Him)". I commented, "Atheism (Peace be upon the World)".

Mitt Romney spent $800mil on NOT becoming president. I spent $0.85 and got the same result, except I have a Snickers bar.

I won't be talking about my love life on Twitter anymore. It involves more than 140 characters.

I visited the birthplace of the inventor of the toothbrush, but couldn't find any plaque on the wall.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me as a compulsive liar today. Then he sucked my cock.

Cool! This bar has a machine that tells you when to stop drinking!! It's called an ATM.

My doctor uses iPhone maps, so the Apple really does keep him away!

If you can find the answers in the bible, you shouldn't ask such stupid questions.

Q: How does Moses make coffee? A: Hebrews it!

I woke up this morning to the best blowjob ever. Looks like prison isn't gonna be as bad as I thought!

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.