I've realized that my asshole is my best friend. That's pretty amazing considering all the shit we've been thru together!

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

Apparently Jay-Z now has one hundred problems!

Just got arrested! Park & Ride wasn't what I thought it was...

Just got arrested! Park & Ride wasn't what I thought it was...

Just got arrested! Park & Ride wasn't what I thought it was...

My boyfriend hates my obsession with Facebook, so I stopped liking him.

My doctor is incredible! He can check my prostate with both hands on my shoulders!!

I have a thing for Spanish men. I'm a Pedrophile!

Be careful ordering a cocktail in a gay bar!

I bet they tried lots of different ways to crucify Jesus before they finally nailed it.

Cum is a lot like the ocean. It's pretty salty and you love to drown your boyfriend in it!

Isn't it ironic that the Japanese invented the widescreen TV?!

Let the Real Housewives teach you a lesson, prudish ladies: If you don't blow your husbands, they will blow themselves.

I shouldn't say this, but I have this feeling that Irene is gonna take out the Statue of Liberty. :-(

My dreams of becoming a Jenga champion just fell apart!

My ex's dick is like my old laptop: infected with viruses and took forever to turn on!

Why is it such a crime to refuse to be treated poorly?!?! Not a joke. Seriously?! Why is it bad to demand fair treatment?!?!

Am I the only one that calls an umbrella a 'bumbershoot'??

Sometimes when I'm bored I like to stand in front of the mirror with a microphone and pretend it's a hairbrush.

You KNOW the economy's bad when even Apple is losing Jobs.

It's a fact that Homer Simpson loves butter. Rumour has it that he also enjoys spreading Marge.

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

If it's so finger-lickin' good, why does KFC provide napkins?

I will kill your face off.

Is it "Nobody DOES IT like Sara Lee" or "Nobody DOESN'T like Sara Lee"??

Life is like a penis. Men make it hard.

I was playing poker with a leper friend yesterday. He must have had some pretty bad cards...he threw his hand in!

A fly walks into a bar and asks, "Is this stool taken?"

I wasn't feeling too well this morning. Then I remembered I don't have hands...

I don't understand why we keep sending aids to Africa. Surely they have enough.

As the rescue team approached the cliff I was stuck on, one of them shouted, "Don't look down!" So I started smiling.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender: "Why the long face?" Horse: "Bcuz u tell that same fucking joke every time I come in!"

My bf said he was breaking up w/ me bcuz of my obsession w/ rhyming. I almost choked on my apple; what terrible timing!

Burger King is getting rid of their "King" mascot. Even though he was super creepy, I'm sad to see him go.

I took a blind date to a movie last night. I had a terrible time! I had to constantly describe what was happening!!

"I before E except after C" must be a Christian rule, because Atheism doesn't follow it!

When I was a kid, my dad tried to force-feed me. My mom would say, "Just use a fucking spoon, Gary. You're not a Jedi!"

When I was little my uncle took me 2 parks 2 meet other kids. It was so boring playing by myself while he got 2 know them!

Nothing refreshes the soul like the laughter of children. Unless they're laughing at you because your shirt is gay.

My last boyfriend never understood my passion for algebra. Now he's my x. Problem solved.

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

Now available on iTunes: Elton John's performance at Amy Winehouse's funeral of "Candle Under The Spoon".

It's nice being roommates with Moses. He parts the water bill very fairly!

I was at an ATM yesterday when a blind, one-legged man asked me to check his balance for him. So I pushed him over.

If I were invisible, the first thing I'd do is beat up a performing street mime. The applause would be amazing!

Apparently Michael Jackson said he had skin cancer...probably because he spent so much time in the son.

I don't know why Al Queda decided to attack America. If they had waited 10 years they could have just bought it!

After leaving Kings Cross station with a concussion, I'm beginning to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax!

I'd like to be the first to congratulate Amy Winehouse on 3 weeks of sobriety!

Anyone remember the good ol' days when the British used to only riot on Saturdays after a big game?!

"Serial killer" is a bit harsh. I prefer the term "ghost manufacturer".

Ironically, next year people will run around London trying 2 take gold, & that will ALSO start w/ a single shot from a pistol!

My boyfriend finally whispered those three little words I've been waiting so long to hear: "I do anal."

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

To be fair to Hitler, he did manage to conduct an awful lot of medical research without harming any animals.

*REALLY* offensive one coming in 10 minutes. No kidding. If u read it anyway, it's ur own fault. No complaining allowed.

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

I loved growing up with a mother who couldn't read well. Whenever I swore, she'd wash my mouth out with soup!

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

I have a friend named Jay, but I just call him J for short.

My friend is a magician. Today he made my wallet disappear. He must specialize in black magic!

I don't believe in spirits or superstitions or fortune tellers or any of that crap... Classic Sagittarius!!

Women like their coffee like their men: strong & black. Men also like their coffee like their women: instant & cheap!

I'm so tired... I stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.

My friend has blue eyes. He got them from his father. His mother has black eyes. She also got them from his father!

I got a job at the local rubber factory. It's quite tiring!

If everyone PayPals me just a buck or two, I might be able to pay my bills this month or maybe my rent next month! :-(

My boyfriend keeps complaining that I'm far too dominant. I'm going to have to get on top of that!

Satistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.

I went to my cannibal neighbor's party last night. I had a ball!

A friend told me that he's scared of dwarfs. I asked him if he's also scared of normal people when they're far away.

"Once you go black, you never go back." Really?! I'd love to see that one on MythBusters.

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

My bf hates my love of boring facts! Last night he said angrily, "Who gives a flying fuck?" "Dragonflies," I replied!

Ok... Now back to normal!!

I miss you so much, Mom! :-'( I still think about you every day... I love you!

As if yesterday wasn't enough, today would've been my mother's 64th birthday if she were still alive. No jokes today either. :-'(

Just watched Inception, and OH MY FUCK!! Does the top stop? DOES THE TOP STOP?!?!?!?!?! Jeez, that was exhausting!!!

There will be no jokes today in honor of my grandma's birthday. She is no longer with us... :-( I miss her.